You are Necessary. And the sooner you believe that, the sooner you'll bond with 
God in living a great story.
-Donald Miller  "Storyline"
This will probably be one of my most vulnerable posts I will ever write. If you're looking for glib jokes and Sci-Fi references, come back later, I'll have better posts for you. If you are uncomfortable with someone being metaphorically naked for a moment, with someone ripping open their rib cage and examining the contents, then move on. I'm not offended

I've said before that I would see myself as a burden to those that cared for me. But the truth of the matter is it goes way deeper than that.

I was never the cool kid.

Never on the cutting edge of what was trendy.

The last time I was at my parents house I found my old yearbooks and flipping through and seeing myself from twelve years ago staring back at me.  I wanted to talk to that kid. That kid with the pain in his eyes. That kid that was so clearly uncomfortable in his own skin. That kid that felt like no matter what, he would never fit in, was never allowed to fit in, was not invited to the party. I wanted to tell him it would be okay.

The sad truth of the matter is that it goes deeper than that.

I've heard it called "the spirit of rejection". I've heard it called "self-hatred". I've heard it called plain and simple depression. 

At my darkest moments throughout my years on this earth a familiar scene plays out:
I'm in the bathroom, brushing my teeth or washing my hands or shaving. I catch my eyes in the mirror. Lean against the counter, getting closer to my reflection and whisper three words.


This scene played itself out so many times over so many years it never once occurred to me how unhealthy this is. How wrong this is. How much it grieved God's heart to hear this over and over.

I don't even know what I expected from myself. Was it perfection? Something more? One thing I did know was that I would never treat another person the way I treated myself. "That person is made in the image of God!" I would exclaim "There is so much good, so much truth inside that person."

And then I would see my reflection, look straight in those accusing eyes staring back at me and whisper it again.

Here is the truth: I was seeing a lie. A fiction. A figment of my own imagination. I am not some broken twisted wretch screaming for the mercy of God. I am not "the chief among sinners" to steal a phrase from Paul. I am not God's mistake, an afterthought that He is far too busy for.

I am counted among the redeemed. Fearfully and wonderfully made. A child of king. Put on the earth to experience His creation. I am one of His prized, most valued. The spark, the fire, the passion that was present the day that God created my spirit still burns and it burns bright.

I say that to say this. I don't hate myself anymore. I am at peace with myself. I even like myself. Even in my worst days, even when I screw up and miss it by a mile. When I am irritable and flat out mean. I am still the creation of the King. A miracle by most accounts. Created for a purpose. 

If you hate yourself...If you find yourself in a similar recurring theme. Know this: It isn't healthy, it isn't normal. IT ISN'T TRUE. You have taken a false identity. Don't heap the punishment on yourself that Christ paid the price for. "For you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

"God created you and He created you with the power to bring light into darkness and order into chaos."
Donald Miller
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9/25/2012 06:53:00 am

Wow. You know that I'm on the same pew of the same church on this one. I've stood in front of the mirror and said those same words. I've sat in houses of worship and had pastors tell me that God feels the same way about me. I've had society tell me that it would be better if I were dead. The common denominator there isn't the hate (though it is awful in it's own right), it, like you so eloquently pointed out, is the lie. It's the lie that we believe about God; it's the lie that we believe about ourselves.

We are taught to believe that loving ourselves is the height of narcissism, but the opposite is actually true. To be loved by God and ourselves is mankind's natural state. To feel that we, outside of all of God's other creations, are somehow less worthy of love is true selfish narcissism.

To believe the lie about our own worthlessness betrays the part of God that lives within all of us.

You hit a home run with this post, Helms!

9/25/2012 07:29:26 am

Well thank ya man! And I agree completely with your comments. Well said! I am a fan of the way C.S. put it regarding humility. "True humility isn't having a low opinion of oneself, but rather no opinion of oneself." The only way to get to that point would be complete security in the love of God.

9/25/2012 06:57:43 am

Wow, this is intense. And that first quote just about killed me! Vulnerability is good, it brings things to the light that can't stay in darkness any longer. Good work!

9/25/2012 07:32:04 am

Thanks Bri! Yeah that first chapter is covered in highlighter and I have pages of notes. I was thoroughly wrecked. It's been intense but very healing.

9/26/2012 03:46:47 pm

It's difficult to have a realistic perspective of oneself. We see the bad (because we live it) we understand our own shortcomings (because we have to cope with them) but we don't get the complete picture without a revelation of God's heart. Someone once told me that the Almighty looks at us through Jesus' blood, so He sees the redeemed man, not the sinner or the fugly dude who can't get his crap together. I like that, because as much as I'd like to pretend that I'm not like this, I've been there, but it's only a facade, a deceiving one at that...

David Helms
10/18/2012 11:32:13 am

A preacher I like calls it the greatest disappearing act of all time: to hide this degenerate behind Jesus' own righteousness. Anything else is us basically trying to earn our own salvation.


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