"I think I'm going to start blogging again." I said to her over our morning coffee date. 

"That's good!" she replied because she's awesome and supportive. "Why'd you quit in the first place?"

It was a valid question that I hadn't even asked myself yet. The fact was I was frustrated that I had worked so hard on every post. Prayerfully considering every word. Searching my soul for hope and truth. Dredging the mud and mire of my heart hoping to produce good art. 

And my last post had a grand total of 30 views.

I was just frustrated that no one seemed to be paying attention to what I felt was solid writing.  I was frustrated that other blogs that I had deemed inferior got thousands of views and that blogger received sponsors and book deals and launched a lucrative writing career. While I felt like just another useless voice in the crowd. 

So I quit.

Feel free to judge me if you like. I'm judging myself. This is a confession of sorts. I'm showing you my weakness and letting you decide what you want to do with it. Denounce me as an insincere jerk or relate with my honesty. Either way I'm cool with it.

After I had expressed these frustrations to my wife she looked at me for a moment, making sure my selfish rant was over and she asked me one of those questions that I hate and love because they mean more than what they seem on the surface:

"Well, what's your point in blogging? Because if it's to help and encourage people then you're already doing that..."

One of the reasons I love her is that she said the positive and left the accusation unsaid. ...if your point is becoming known, if it's getting a book deal and ignoring the people that read and need encouragement...then you're missing the point.

The problem was that I had caught the western disease of wanting so desperately to be a hero. I had confused being "known" with being good. I felt this pressure to do "great things" for God and when I tried and failed it felt like I must be a bad writer or God doesn't love me enough to use me to reach a massive audience. This crooked way of thinking had permeated my cells. Confusing being known/popular/famous with being good/talented/loved.

I recognized that grossness in myself and so in reaction I stopped blogging for a few months more. I had to try to suck the poison out. I have always known that a humble life lived before God isn't a bad life...I just had to kill that western cancer that told me otherwise everyday.

There is a difference between being a hero and being a saint.

"We want to be heroes, we don’t really want to be saints. The difference between the heroic vision and the saintly vision is a fundamentally different way of viewing the purpose of life." 
 -Brian Zahnd

So as I sit down to write online again I have to ask myself: What's the point?

My hope is to spread hope. To remind folks that feel less than perfect, that probably won't step inside of a church that they are not alone. I try and fail everyday. Sometimes the most saintly action is getting back up and trying again.

I hope to connect with a loving Creator by trying to create...and reminding others that they can too.
Even if it's just to an audience of One.

Sorry if that was corny. Here's an intelligent quote about the difference between heroes and saints. Thanks for reading.

“For the hero the meaning of life is honor. For the saint the meaning of life is love. For the hero the goal of living is self-fulfillment, the achievement of personal excellence, and the recognition and admiration that making a signal contribution to one’s society through one’s achievements carries with it. For the saint, life does not so much have a goal, as a purpose, for which each human being is responsible, and that purpose is love, and the bonds of concern and care that responsibility for one’s fellow human beings carry with it. These two paradigms, the hero and the saint, and the way of life that descends from each, are really two fundamentally distinct and genuinely different visions of human society as a whole, and even of what it means to be a human being. They are two distinct and different ways of asking the question of the meaning of life.”
-Francis J. Ambrosio, Philosophy, Religion and the Meaning of Life

1/3/2014 07:43:32 am

I enjoy reading your blog and do so every time your Mom posts it. I am encouraged by your words and the sincerity of your comments.
Do Not give up, keep up the good work.
PS: I am a friend
of your Mom and your late Grandmother Lorice

Peggy Vaughan
1/3/2014 10:30:54 am

I love reading your blogs so keep them coming. You never know who read it and needed just what you wrote. I'm friends with your mother and I know she is proud of you.

1/5/2014 01:47:57 pm

David - I am not ok with this! I'm excited you'll be blogging again. Wheat I'm not ok with is that you pointed out some of the same thoughts I've had about my blog, and are challenging my motivations. GGGRRRR. Learning to stay humble and have the right motivations is never easy.
Glad to see you back writing!

Ps - I literally have thought those exact same things even yesterday. Doh!

1/7/2014 02:10:06 pm

You're a better person than I am. I told my pastor the other day that my last post was simply me to entertaining myself. When I thought about it, the notion sounded ridiculously selfish and childish. So I tried to back pedal and apologized for having fun in a public place. I figured my pastor would brush it off or say that I needed to stop that. His response? "Maybe you should entertain yourself in a public place more often."

I was shocked. It isn't Gospel, but it points to this idea of living our lives in front of people. Whether it's the millions we want as we grace the top of the New York Times best seller list, or the friends and family who read our blogs. You really never know what the rest of us are getting out of it.

Blessings, friend. I enjoyed this.

1/7/2014 02:18:10 pm

Also? ^^^ Typos. HA.

Kelley Duncan - Buffaloe
2/3/2014 02:28:35 am

"If you were the only one Jesus would still have come and died for you." I think about that when I get discouraged. Then that saying "To the world you might just be one person, but to one person you may be the world". What you have to say means a lot to me. SO much so that you are not a favorite link but a Favorite Button on my Menu... like right next to File and Tools - ahead of Pinterest even. Thank you for taking the time to labor over each and every word. For painstakingly putting your heart and faith out for the world to see no matter the consequence. For being unashamed to shine your light and stand for Jesus. For making a difference even when you feel like you don't or even when you don't know you are. You, Sir, have come a long way - shall I take it back to the Mud Puddle and the Glove - and I'm excited about the path/posts to come. Thank you and carry on!


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